Sunday, November 25, 2012

Benched in Reverie


I lay in bed and close my eyes
That’s when you flood my thoughts.
No matter how I try to fight,
I see a picture taken from the first night our paths crossed.

I try to remember where your hands were
Those hands that since held mine.
Those same hands that pulled me closer
When I woke up scared that night.

I can still see the glint in your stare
That forever claimed me yours.
That captivation held me there
And made me want you more.

Fleeting glances
Lost romances
And love that cannot be.
Star-crossed dances
Second chances
My pain in reverie.

When you close your eyes,
Is that what you see?

I’m sure you do not dream of me.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Benched in the Mirror

Short, blondish highlighted hair. Green eyes today. Long shadows cast from the window to shade the right side of my face. Smeared makeup from the tire of the day. Epiphany.

There are times in my life where I get so caught up in triviality. I go, go, go, and push so hard through my trials or the things I’m trying to accomplish. Everything feels noisy while I’m caught in this havocked momentum until finally: everything stops. I barrel through my circumstances and try so hard until something intervenes to make me stop and think. I hit a brick wall, or in my case, a mirror.

I picture myself sitting in a large, soundproof room with nothing in it except a full-length mirror. Whispers of recent events flash from my memory of those times when I’ve tried to be enough for people. I notice a worry line begin to reveal itself in my brow from the realization of how hard I’ve been trying to please everyone. Helplessness and wasted efforts seep from my eyes in the form of quiet, gentle tears. Awareness washes over me in hot waves that I will never be enough for everyone.

The wave recedes, leaving me with sharpened senses and an awakened freedom from this new knowledge. Of course I will never be enough for everyone! I’ve spent the last two years trying so hard to please someone who never wanted to be pleased by me in the first place. It’s not easy to put so much into an investment for it to turn out unrequited, but it's impossible to please everyone.

At the end of the day though, I’m left in this ‘room.’ I’m left with only my own reflection, and God to answer to. Of course I’m still going to try as hard as I can to do right by people and be the best person I can be, but no longer will I be shackled and bound by my need to be “enough.” At the end of the day, I am a daughter of God. I love my family and my friends. I have the desire to improve and progress in my life and for the first time in years I’ve realized: that is enough. I am enough.

Thank you, mirror.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Benched in Bliss.

Have you ever just felt completely liberated? At peace? With “a perfect brightness of hope?” That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I feel SO good.

I’ve mapped out exactly every assignment I need to do, and when I need to do them. I found a ride to L.A. for a fraction of the cost that I was anticipating. I’m at a point in the semester when I’m actually going to have time to exercise daily. Even though I do have a ton of assignments to do and eleven more novels to read, I feel so at peace. For the first time in the past few months I feel like I can step back, look at my future, and breathe easy.

I know none of these things are just occurring out of happenstance. I’ve increased my scripture reading, and am trying to make more time for the Lord. I’ve also been able to feel the blessings from going to the temple weekly, even if I just go there to have more focused prayers. Most of the semester I’ve felt so stressed and down that I haven’t made enough time for what was most important. The difference is stark.

Anyway, I’m so excited to be coming home in a few weeks. As much as I’ve enjoyed BYU-Idaho, I’ve really missed North Carolina. A big part of that was the weather, I can admit, and I also know that I chose the worst semester to attend Idaho, but I was just way too cold here haha. The weather has been way nicer here, and I'm sure that's contributed to my uplifted spirits. I've actually heard a bird or two, and seen a few bugs haha.

I hope everyone is having as optimistic of a day as I am! Breathe easy, people.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Benched in the Tundra

I should be seeping happiness from every pore of my body for this welcome change of scenery. I should be reveling in the amazing acquaintances I’ve made here, and I am, to a degree, but I find my temperament elsewhere. Instead of dancing in the cold drizzle or snow, I seem to get lost in the haze. Rather than being liberated by the surrounding beauty, I simply note the splendor and return to the dread of the impending week of assignments and duty. I’m hoping that I’m not falling into some kind of dismal longing and that I’m just having a little cabin fever.

I do really like it here. There’s always some social gathering going on, where one is sure to make dozens of new acquaintances, with ample doses of small talk for any human to endure..I mean enjoy. There are down to earth people to hang out with, and ridiculous people and couples to watch. My classes are informative, and not too overwhelming if I would buckle down and get ahead of my assignments. I have incredible roommates, and the campus does have a great spirit.

I do crave the sun though. I’m honestly having trouble trucking through school right now. I have some serious wanderlust issues, and I have to exert incredible will power to do the simplest of school assignments. I just want to be done with school! I’ve also found that being thousands of miles away doesn’t solve as much as I hoped it would. Suppressing issues rather than fixing them only amplifies them for a later explosion, and leaves you with those moments of seeping ache that sneak up on you at the most inopportune times. Then again, when is ache ever opportune? How does one solve the unsolvable though? At the moment I seem to be just riding out the storm hoping that when it’s all over I still have my fundamental body parts intact. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm, and that at any moment it could all come crashing down. Thankfully, God does not fail, so if I try to do what He wants me to, then I can’t fail either. To think otherwise is only a lack of faith, and that’s something that I can’t afford right now. Sometimes only He can calm the storms in our hearts. I cling onto that knowledge. There are some things that come to us only through gifts: miracles. Miracles are things that come to us when we can’t accomplish them by our own efforts. It’s going to take a miracle for this storm to clear, and I know that God has the power to help me do it. In the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy the scenery, and the people, and the small talk, and the cold slush.

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid; 

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, 

Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.”
-How Firm A Foundation