Thursday, August 30, 2012

Benched in the Mirror

Short, blondish highlighted hair. Green eyes today. Long shadows cast from the window to shade the right side of my face. Smeared makeup from the tire of the day. Epiphany.

There are times in my life where I get so caught up in triviality. I go, go, go, and push so hard through my trials or the things I’m trying to accomplish. Everything feels noisy while I’m caught in this havocked momentum until finally: everything stops. I barrel through my circumstances and try so hard until something intervenes to make me stop and think. I hit a brick wall, or in my case, a mirror.

I picture myself sitting in a large, soundproof room with nothing in it except a full-length mirror. Whispers of recent events flash from my memory of those times when I’ve tried to be enough for people. I notice a worry line begin to reveal itself in my brow from the realization of how hard I’ve been trying to please everyone. Helplessness and wasted efforts seep from my eyes in the form of quiet, gentle tears. Awareness washes over me in hot waves that I will never be enough for everyone.

The wave recedes, leaving me with sharpened senses and an awakened freedom from this new knowledge. Of course I will never be enough for everyone! I’ve spent the last two years trying so hard to please someone who never wanted to be pleased by me in the first place. It’s not easy to put so much into an investment for it to turn out unrequited, but it's impossible to please everyone.

At the end of the day though, I’m left in this ‘room.’ I’m left with only my own reflection, and God to answer to. Of course I’m still going to try as hard as I can to do right by people and be the best person I can be, but no longer will I be shackled and bound by my need to be “enough.” At the end of the day, I am a daughter of God. I love my family and my friends. I have the desire to improve and progress in my life and for the first time in years I’ve realized: that is enough. I am enough.

Thank you, mirror.