Sunday, January 22, 2012

Benched in the Tundra

I should be seeping happiness from every pore of my body for this welcome change of scenery. I should be reveling in the amazing acquaintances I’ve made here, and I am, to a degree, but I find my temperament elsewhere. Instead of dancing in the cold drizzle or snow, I seem to get lost in the haze. Rather than being liberated by the surrounding beauty, I simply note the splendor and return to the dread of the impending week of assignments and duty. I’m hoping that I’m not falling into some kind of dismal longing and that I’m just having a little cabin fever.

I do really like it here. There’s always some social gathering going on, where one is sure to make dozens of new acquaintances, with ample doses of small talk for any human to endure..I mean enjoy. There are down to earth people to hang out with, and ridiculous people and couples to watch. My classes are informative, and not too overwhelming if I would buckle down and get ahead of my assignments. I have incredible roommates, and the campus does have a great spirit.

I do crave the sun though. I’m honestly having trouble trucking through school right now. I have some serious wanderlust issues, and I have to exert incredible will power to do the simplest of school assignments. I just want to be done with school! I’ve also found that being thousands of miles away doesn’t solve as much as I hoped it would. Suppressing issues rather than fixing them only amplifies them for a later explosion, and leaves you with those moments of seeping ache that sneak up on you at the most inopportune times. Then again, when is ache ever opportune? How does one solve the unsolvable though? At the moment I seem to be just riding out the storm hoping that when it’s all over I still have my fundamental body parts intact. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm, and that at any moment it could all come crashing down. Thankfully, God does not fail, so if I try to do what He wants me to, then I can’t fail either. To think otherwise is only a lack of faith, and that’s something that I can’t afford right now. Sometimes only He can calm the storms in our hearts. I cling onto that knowledge. There are some things that come to us only through gifts: miracles. Miracles are things that come to us when we can’t accomplish them by our own efforts. It’s going to take a miracle for this storm to clear, and I know that God has the power to help me do it. In the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy the scenery, and the people, and the small talk, and the cold slush.

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid; 

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, 

Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.”
-How Firm A Foundation